you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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