I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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