I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
