I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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