This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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