just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
