I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
