Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
