Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
