If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
