so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
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You. Win. At. Life.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
