When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
