who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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