I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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