god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
