That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
