the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize