Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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