My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
