12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
