it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
