I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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