i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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