Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
