I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
