dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
