Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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