Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
