there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
