If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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