Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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