I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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