don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
