first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
