Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Actions speak louder than pants.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I don't deserve a penis
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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