My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
