what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
