you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
