also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
