if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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