youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
