And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
