Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
