i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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