FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
