Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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