She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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