dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Randomize
