I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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