after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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