I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
