dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
