yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
