im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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