Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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