i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
